Postponed. . . . .
I guess I Phillipines may have to wait now. . . .My sister is pregnant again, so the move/trip will have to wait. . . .I still have stuff that i need to return to some of you, so just leave a message on my cell or something and I can try to get it back to you guys. I'm not going to need them where I'm going.
So I guess some of you are wondering why I'm back in here posting again. . . .I jsut need to get things off my chest to people that read this. . . .and to get this over with so I don't have to see them again. . .No names. . . .they all know who they are. . . .
#1) You are mad at me cuz I didn't shake your hand that night. . . I DON'T GIVE A RATS ASS ANYMORE! You told me she still cares. You said you and your girl went through the same thing. YOUR GIRL NEVER LEFT YOU! SHE MADE TIME! BOTH OF YOU MADE TIME! If I meant anything, there would have been time made. . .even if it was for 30 minutes or so. Just to hear a voice, just to embrace the love of your life. YOUR NOT THE ONE WHO GAVE YOUR HEART TO ONLY SEE IT CRUSHED IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES! I'm the one dealing with this. . . .You say this is wrong, but I'M NOT YOU! "You have a lot of searching" you say. . . . .I've searched long and hard. . . .I have no answers. . . .I was given NO FUCKING ANSWER! Pray? FOR WHAT? FOR GOD TO TAKE AS MANY PEOPLE AWAY FROM ME AS HE CAN? You are one to talk. . . .I hope you can get your head out of your ass and see that.
#2) You told me the other night that I'm a good man, and that you pray for me. Well. . .like I've left in the past posts, Your prayers are gonna go unanswered, and I'd rather be dead somewhere else than to affect other people. Weather good or bad. You said you know what I'm going through. DO YOU? DO YOU YOU REALLY _____? Then you, of all people, should understand that people like me don't deserve the praise of others. . . .they only want to share those moments with someone, and the know that they are loved the same way they give that love. I've been alone for the past 3 months and I can see that "Love" became a 4-letter word that is worthless in my life. I gave it, and now I'm left wondering what I did wrong. Love is nothing in my heart anymore. and your problems are nothing when it compares to being alone with your thoughts. . . .with everything that you could've done or said that wouldn't made a difference, cuz they would have left you reguardless. I can see that I meant nothing to her. . . .I backed out of a promise cuz this pain is too fucking much. YOU'RE NOT THE ONE WITH SCARS ON YOUR WRIST! YOUR NOT THE ONE WHO HAS WASTED THE MAJORITY OF THEIR SAVINGS ACCOUNT ON DRUGS TRYING TO OVERDOSE! YOUR NOT THE ONE WHO, AFTER 6 YEARS OF BEING SOBER, WENT INTO A 5 DAY BINGE ON WEED, VICODIN, PERCOSET, AND ALCHOHOL ONLY TO FIND OUT THAT THE MONEY IS GONE, AND YOU FAILED YET AGAIN AT TAKING YOUR OWN LIFE! YOUR NOT THE ONE WHO TRIED TO HANG THEMSELVES IN THEIR CLOSET IN FRONT OF THEIR BEST FRIEND, AND FINALLY SEEING LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL, BEING SHAKEN VIOLENTLY ENOUGH THAT IT LEFT A BUMP ON YOUR CHEEK THAT WILL BE A CONSTANT REMINDER THAT YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT, AND BEING SUCKED BACK INTO THIS LIFE! SO DON'T EVER TRY TO COMPARE YOUR HEARTACHE TO MINE!!!!!
#3) You said let her go. you say she still cares . . . My mind still thinks about her. My heart still cries cuz she doesn't care, cuz everything I've could've ever done went wrong. YOU HAVE THE FUCKING NERVE TO LOOK ME IN THE EYE AND SAY THAT??!?!?!?! FOR ALL I KNOW, SHE'S FOUND SOMEONE ELSE AND I'M LEFT WITH THESE MEMORIES! all I have are 3 photos. . . .I still fucking cry cuz it's all I have left. You also said if she cared, she wouldn't have done this. THEN WHY DOES IT STILL HURT?!?!?!? WHY AM I STILL WANTING TO DIE?!?!?!?
#4) "God has a plan for you. You may not know it, Darwin, but he has a plan for you" . . . .FUCK THE PLAN! I tried to lay my own plans for a future. And for what? Being alone? Well, I hope "GOD" can just throw away that plan like she threw me away. . .so just throw me away. . . .I obviously meant NOTHING TO HER! . . .SO I SHOULD MEAN NOTHING TO EVERYONE ELSE!
#5) "I care about you. . . .why do you think I'm here?". . . . WHY AM I STILL HERE?!?!?!? Why did you stop me? Why did you pull me back here? I was there! I didn't care if it was heaven or hell or purgetory. I JUST DON'T WANT TO BE HERE! Weather it be tomorrow, next week, next year. . . .I can say that I will die before I turn 30. SO my birthday is coming up. . . .will you be able to stop me then????
#6) You. . . I don't have a problem with you. You are the only one that truely understands what she really meant to me. You're the only one that knows how much I love her. But you just don't see that I don't belong here anymore. Don't say I'm strong. Don't ever say that. I lived long enough to understand that I am going to be alone. SO WAKE UP AND SEE THAT I'M A MUCH DIFFERENT PERSON THAT WHEN WE MET 2 YEARS AGO! I used to be happy. I used to smile. The only smile I let out now is the one I give my niece. but even then it's half-hearted. Weather you come see me or not, just keep in mind that I AM DEAD INSIDE. Don't expect me to talk anymore. It hasn't healed anything, no matter how much time passes. I still cry. . .everyday I cry. It's only now that you know this. I look at my scars, I look at the left over baggies and wonder why the hell didn't I die? I cry cuz I'm still fucking here. I cry cuz I don't matter to her. I cry cuz it's all I do now. My guitars have been collecting dust. My Dj equipment is going to be sold cuz my heart is no longer into it because it hurts too much. Have you ever done something that reminds you of that one person in your life that you have to completely stop doing it? Well, now you know why I've stopped. I can't play for more than 10 minutes without stoppping and wanting to cry. I've stopped Djing with the guys cuz it's still a strong memory.
The end will justify the means. . . . . | 
